I attributed much of my quick sense of humor to my early days of watching TV comedy series where cue is provided, hahaha and to the greatest humorist of our time, Dave Barry.
I hope some of the jokes here will bring a few chuckles for you. Enjoy
Friend for Dinner ‘Honey,’ said a husband to his wife, ‘I invited a friend home for dinner.’
‘What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn’t go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don’t feel like cooking a fancy meal!’
‘I know all that.’
‘Then why did you invite a friend for dinner?’
‘Because the poor fool’s thinking about getting married.’
Four-Letter Words A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon.
When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. Her mother asked, ‘How was the honeymoon?”
Oh, mama,’ she replied, ‘the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic…’
Suddenly she burst out crying. ‘But, mama, as soon as we returned he started using the most horrible language… things I’d never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You’ve got to come get me and take me home…. Please mama!’
Her mother said, ‘Calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words? ‘
Still sobbing, the bride said, ‘Oh, mama…words like DUST, WASH, IRON, COOK…!’
If You Kiss Me An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess.” He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week.” The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I’ll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want.”Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, “What is the matter? I’ve told you I’m a beautiful princess, that I’ll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won’t you kiss me?”The engineer said, “Look I’m an engineer. I don’t have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that’s cool!”
The Best We Can A man sees in the street two workers performing the following procedure: The first one is digging a ditch, and the second one, a few feet behind is covering the ditch with the sand that was just dug out.
After watching them for a while, he could not resist his curiority and he went to ask them what they are doing and what was the goal in their work.
‘This is very simple, mister’ said one of the workers. ‘Usually we are a team of three: One digs, the other puts communication cable into the ditch and the third one covers it. Unfortunately, the guy who puts the cables into the ditch is sick today, so we are doing the best we can.’
1.2.3 A man had been troubled by his inability to achieve an erection. After visiting numerous doctors and not getting any help he decided to consult a witch doctor.
The witch doctor threw some herbs in the fire, shook his rattle, and danced wildly. When he was through he said, ‘I have placed a powerful spell on you, but it will only work once a year. When you are ready just say…1,2,3, and you will get the largest erection that you have ever had.After your wife has been satisfied she simply has to say, 1,2,3 and it will be gone for one year.’
Later that night as the man lay in bed he said to his wife,’Watch this! 1,2,3!’ His organ sprang to life, larger and stiffer than ever before.His wife was amazed, she smiled and said,’That’s great! But what did you say 1,2,3, for?
Two Ladies Two sari-clad ladies went out to do some shopping. One of them is known as Lady Mathematical (LM) and the other one as Lady Logical (LL).
It s getting dark and they are still far away from their homes.
LL: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past half-hour?
LM: Yes, I wonder what he wants.
LL: It’s logical. He wants to rape us. LM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 16 minutes at the most. What can we do?LL: The only logical thing to do of course is that we have to start walking faster.LM: It is not working.LL: Of course it is not working. The man did the only obvious thing to do. He started to walk faster too.
LM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
LL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I’ll go this way. He cannot follow both of us.
So the man decided to go after Lady Logical. Lady Mathematical arrives home and is worried because Lady Logical has not yet arrived. Finally, Lady Logical arrives.
LM: Lady Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell us what happened!
LL: The only logical thing to happen. When he followed me, I started to run as fast as I could.
LM: So what happened?
LL: The only logical thing to happen. The man also started to run as fast as he could.
LM: And what else?
LL: The only logical thing to happen. He reached me.
LM: Oh, no! What did you do then?
LL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted up my sari.
LM: Oh, lady. What did the man do?
LL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
LM: Oh, no! What happened then?
LL: Isn’t it logical? A lady with her sari up can run faster than a man with his pants down.
Coast was Clear? A husband and his wife were sound asleep when suddenly the phone rang. The husband picked up the phone and said, “Hello? How the heck do I know? What do I look like, a weatherman?” He then slammed the phone down and settled into bed. “Who was that?” asked his wife. “I don’t know. It was some guy who wanted to know if the coast was clear.”
Fallen There’s this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, “If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I’ll quit!” Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say instead that they had ‘fallen.’ This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well until the priest passed away at a ripe, old age. A few days after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned. “Mayor, you have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep telling me they’ve fallen.” The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word. But, before he could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at him and shouted, “I don’t know what you’re laughing about, because your wife has fallen three times this week!”
I’m a Rabbit The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals.
The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and has each of them try to catch it. The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist. Then the FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming. Then the LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten raccoon. The raccoon is yelling: “Okay! Okay! I’m a rabbit! I’m a rabbit!”
